Saturday, September 5, 2009


I over-analyze myself all the time. I'm a pretty introspective person. I know I'm not perfect. I don't really want to be perfect. That would be much too boring. But I do want to be the best person I can. There are still so many things for me to improve, and also so many things left for me to learn about myself.

Why, just these past two years, I've learned how to be extra-outgoing, and I've learned that while I like being social, I still need time to myself (or time with my family) to recharge. I've increased my ability to manage my time, to focus and stay on topic when I have work to do. At the same time, I've begun to try more new things, go for more new experiences (how, you ask? unfortunately, I've also been sleeping less).

♪ ♫I won't live regretfully/That's my new philosophy!
Props to anyone who knows what I'm referring to.

I also feel uncomfortable when I can't figure out a feeling or an action. I'll be stuck thinking, why did I do that? until I can come up with an acceptable answer. Something like, oh, because I felt that way about something or I guess I never got over that. It tends to be me trying to be truthful with myself, but I think there's more to it than that. Maybe I'm being a bit OCD. I don't know.

Let me explain what I mean there. Today, as I trekked up campus to my most distant class, my mind was occupied by thoughts of a fledgling relationship (at least, I hope it is). I won't spend much time on my history because 1. I need to improve my skills at talking about my feelings in person rather than in pseudonymous writing, and 2. I don't really want to talk about boys on this blog. So the summary goes like this: I've never even been on a date, never kissed a guy, though I've found out definitively that my feelings were returned by more than one guy I've liked. So basically despite my self-confidence in every other arena, I lacked it there (though that's changed now - maybe that's why this one seems to be working out so far).

But there, I'm doing it again. Just as I was doing on the way to class, analyzing my behavior. And as I realized that, I began analyzing the fact that I was doing just that (and no, that's not what I'm doing right now, this is just documenting my past thoughts).

What I came up with, however, is important, I think. I always wonder why I do things. Part of it is that the lack of knowledge of my (non-rational) self bothers me, I guess. Part of it is probably my insatiable urge to solve puzzles, and what more meaningful puzzle is there than myself? So I come up with some explanation for my behavior, maybe two if it's complex and the tickling in the back of my mind is telling me there's more to it. If the shoe fits, I stuff it back into its shoe box and bury it back in the depths of the closet.

Yet today I realized that some of the things I see myself repeat or overcorrect are probably due to that over analysis. I'm classifying myself, labeling myself. And even if it feels good at that moment, like I've just solved a puzzle, it's also hurting me. I am unconsciously narrowing my options. That's okay for the good things, for when I wonder how I improved at something, and think to myself, oh, okay, that's what changed since last time. When it's the bad things, however, I might be sticking my behavior in a rut. I don't mean that I will repeat the same behavior, because avoiding that is after all the point of my self-analysis, but I might be prone to other less-than-constructive behaviors as a result of accepting some characteristic of myself that may or may not be true.

So from now on, even if I still try to solve myself, I will try to remind myself that I am not set in stone, that good or bad, I can change me, and that, considering all the things that have influenced me over the course of 19 years, I will never know the whole story.

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