It's Okay

I'm going to reproduce a post by Matthew Knight from the 3six5 project today:

I’m sorry.

I’d planned greatness for today.

I’d planned a trip to the other side of the country and back.
I’d planned a spun yarn of pirates and robbers and sharks and helicopters.
I’d planned a million dominoes clattering after one another around a six mile course of twists and turns and ups and downs and tunnels and bridges.

I’d planned a rodeo.
I’d planned a circus.
I’d planned a perfectly cooked poached egg.

I’d planned to create something so wonderful, wierd, wacky and wicked.
I’d planned to craft and cajole and create and curate.

I’d planned on doing so many things.
But instead, I went out for lunch.

I get easily distracted.
Somewhat like a magpie in a hall of mirrors.

I get distracted by another idea.
I get distracted by the dozen things which float around me in my personal digital cloud.
I get distracted by the thing I was meant to be concentrating on an hour ago.

I’m not actually that sorry.

It was a great lunch, with friends.
Wine, Roast Meat, Potatoes.
There was even cake.

I guess, one should never apologise for simply spending time with friends.

Putting down the laptop, and not writing a blog post.
Putting down the camera, and not taking a photo.
Putting down the pen, and not writing your diary.

It’s okay to not document.
It’s okay to not capture, edit, post, repost.
It’s okay to forget the infinite detail, and remember the fuzzy whole.
It’s okay to go outside and just be.

I’d planned greatness for today
I had a better day by just doing nothing.
I should try and remember that more often.

I think we should all try and remember that more often.

Every time I turn on my laptop, my fingers reflexively move through a familiar sequence of keys. Windows+2 to launch Firefox from my Quick Launch menu, keyword fb to bring up Facebook, Ctrl+T for a new tab, gm to get to Gmail, etc., etc. It all happens in a flash and a flurry of "tap-tap-tap"s

What's Up With All The Hearts?

Up until today (technically yesterday) I completely forgot it was Valentine’s Day. I didn’t really care, although I would rather have Clementine’s Day.

This year, it didn’t bother me to see everyone coupled up, my roommates returning to Berkeley early (despite the 3-day weekend!) to spend time with their boyfriends.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been keeping myself busy this semester with the things I love: neuroscience, labwork, martial arts, dance… who has time for boys?

Busy as a Bumblebee!

These last couple days have been busy. I had my two-day Japanese final, meetings for the research lab I’m going to be working in (+ paperwork), and yongmudo (belt test on Sunday).

Also, the boy has been here 4 out of 5 nights this week. And we still don’t know.

Oops, that wasn’t 75 words, that was 50. I didn’t realize that. I was busy writing another 50-word story, and I think it carried over.

Sweet 16

I went to the 16th birthday party of a family friend. It was an odd mix of Indian and American birthday parties.

Tips for fathers giving 16th birthday photo slideshows:

1. Don’t put multiple pictures on one slide. Make them big so we can see all the embarrassment.
2. On the same note, we don’t need quite that many. Just pick the funniest ones.
3. Let her sisters do the talking. They have funnier captions.

To Be Wanted

This is my absolute favorite xkcd comic because it requires no words and yet is so poignant and true. This is me. Not all the time, but often enough that the reminder hurts. And also heals, because it tells me I'm not the only one.

I feel it a bit even with friends. I'm always pleased (and pleasantly surprised!) when my roommates or friends say they missed me. This last week after coming back from home, I noticed a little post-it on my roommates desk, sitting upright on one of the shelves where it would be easily visible. It was an encouraging note I had written to her last semester to tell her not to stress too much (which she does, and has been doing the last week). I don't think it was up there the week before, but it certainly made me feel loved, that it had made her feel better and she had kept the note.

Humans have this need for social interaction. We're social animals. I like being alone, I like having time to myself to read, solve puzzles, learn new things, try to understand myself (which sometimes includes writing these blog posts).

Still, I have phases of needing to be with other people and being okay by myself (these are relatively long-term moods, by the way, lasting a week or two, not a couple hours or days). I'm not antisocial, I have plenty of friends, and I have some very good friends that I am very close to. Still, there are times when everyone is busy, and despite knowing and understanding that, when I'm in the first mood, I feel loneliness keenly.

Even when I reach out to sites like Facebook or other online communities, it doesn't feel like enough. I'm not a big fan of talking on the phone, I prefer face-to-face contact, and the same applies here. I would much rather talk to someone in person if I could, not because I don't like the internet (on the contrary, I spend too much time here, and I am a college student), but because the interaction is not enough.

In the second mood, I am content with myself regardless of what others are doing. Online communities are fine, I'm okay if my friends are busy, because although I would be happy spending time with them, I'm also happy spending time by myself. I try to strive towards this mood most of the time, because it's so much more relaxing, but sometimes I slip.

A while ago, I read a blog post by Zuska on why we're afraid to be alone, and it resonated with me. I'm not a big fan of watching TV (at least since I came to college) except as a social activity with friends. The internet, however, is a very good friend, and I think that has affected my ability to be alone. It just so happened that I read the article at a time when I was trying for the second mood. I was trying to spend my alone time productively, looking at myself and who I am. The article resonated with me.

Despite my need for social interaction, I improve myself the most when I am alone, and that was something I had been neglecting. Well, I will neglect it no more. I am a work in progress, there's always something I can improve on.